A new bombshell report was released this morning, detailing the stunning results of a CNN audience survey, which found that roughly 78% of CNN’s viewers are unable to locate their TV remote; and thus, are unable to change the channel.
According to the survey, which excluded airport audiences, the vast majority of CNN’s viewer base has been trying to change the channel since mid-2017, but their TV remotes have mysteriously vanished.
“I tried buying a new remote,” said one embarrassed viewer who chose to remain anonymous, “but that one went missing too!”
Another tortured viewer tried unplugging his TV, but the resulting blank screen, devoid of any purpose or content, reminded him too much of the vacuous CNN programming from which he sought to escape.
One of Panda Tribune’s own investigative journalists managed to track down the owner of an Ebay account, “ReliableEunuch360,” which was – suspiciously - selling used TV remotes in bulk. Unfortunately, upon hearing the footsteps of our journalist approaching, the portly wholesaler let out a high-pitched scream and fled before he could be identified.