*BREAKING* U.S. – The chickens have finally come home to roost; and boy, oh boy are the roosters upset! After over 200 years of paying for first (and often subsequent) dates, U.S. men’s rights activists are demanding reparations to the tune of $10 Billion – a sum of money that, when divided among America’s roughly 100 million adult male population, would result in each man receiving a $100 “Dinner Dividend.” In addition to lobbying for retroactive reimbursement, the group is also proactively pushing for some new progressive solutions for the future: “We are fully supportive of women’s rights,” one spokesman for the movement explained, “but we’d like to go one step further and make ‘Equal Pay’ not only applicable to earning money, but also applicable to spending money.” Another outspoken advocate further clarified that “after two centuries of unrelenting male chivalry, we think it’s time for our great nation to fully empower women by giving them the Right to Pay.” Supporters of the movement claim that for far too long, men have fully financed first dates, even in cases where it’s obvious that the first date will also be the last. This might explain the growing popularity of another proposed piece of legislation – one that would mandate women to disclose (before the end of the first date) whether they would be willing to go on a second date. According to early drafts of the proposal:
”if a woman discloses to her male suitor that she is not interested in having a second romantic rendezvous with him, she will be responsible for paying the entirety of the bill (excluding gratuity), and the man will cover “just the tip”.