Election 2020 Update: In a beautiful and brave new strategy, the Democrat National Committee has nominated an old, fuzzy vegetable as its party’s candidate for President of the United States. According to anonymous sources, the vegetable grew up in the United States, but is often for sale in China and the Ukraine.
Despite being unable to think, speak, or stand on its own, the vegetable candidate has earned widespread approval within Democrat Party; which up until now, has only used plants to dig up dirt on other campaigns. According to one DNC official, “the decision to nominate a vegetable for president stemmed from the results of an internal survey that revealed the top qualities Democrat voters look for in a candidate.”
The Panda Tribune obtained a copy of the survey results, which are as follows:
Question: What are the most important qualities you look for in a presidential candidate?
Top 3 Most Common Answers:
2) Low-Carbon Footprint / “Green”
3) Rooted in Science
Despite initially receiving much criticism, the vegetable candidate has won the broken-hearts and absent-minds of many Bernie Sanders supporters; one of whom is quoted as saying: “I guess it takes a green vegetable to beat an orange pumpkin!“