Democrats To Impeach Coronavirus Vaccine Researchers For Election Meddling

*BREAKING* D.C. - According to anonymous, potentially real sources, Congressional Democrats are setting the stage to impeach medical researchers who are working to expedite the development of a Coronavirus vaccine. Democrat leaders claim that any scientific breakthrough, occurring in advance of the November 2020 election, would have a catastrophic and disproportionate impact on their party’s electoral strategy; and thus, any efforts to fund and/or develop a vaccine should be treated as an in-kind contribution to the RNC and President Trump’s reelection campaign. At his weekly unwatched press conference, Senate Minority Leader, Chuck Schumer, announced that he and his staff had read the vast majority of the Constitution, and that nowhere in Article II does it grant the President the authority to collude with domestic nationals to influence the outcome of natural selection. “This is blatantly unconstitutional!” cried Chuck Schumer. Speaking on condition of max publicity, Adam Schiff asserted that “President Trump is, yet again, playing right into the Russians’ hands…. doesn’t he [Trump] know that creating a vaccine is EXACTLY what Putin expects us to do!?” A perceptibly glazed and confused Speaker Pelosi also criticized the Trump Administration for its timely and comprehensive response:

“This is no time for swift and decisive action,” declared Pelosi. “We need to approach the Coronavirus solemnly and prayerfully…. but also slowly and prudently, at least until we elect that empty sui- I mean - former Vice President Biden to the White House.”

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