Washington D.C.- Speaker Nancy Pelosi sounded off against President Trump on Tuesday, reprimanding him for using “dehumanizing” language to describe COVID-19. She condemned the President for consistently referring to the disease as a “virus”, saying that such language may incite violence against other infectious pathogens. “I shouldn’t have to remind the President that even a parasitic biological agent is still blessed with a spark of divinity,” Pelosi affirmed. Following the Speaker’s press conference, she introduced a new piece of legislation in the House that would provide a variety of protections for COVID-19, especially in areas concerning it’s right to replicate. “Democrats have always been champions of reproductive rights,” said Pelosi, “and that includes protecting the rights of COVID-19 to reproduce without fear of social ostracization or government intervention.”
The bill is expected to pass along partisan lines in the House and then be quarantined in Mitch McConnell’s office for 14 days; after which, it will be rolled up and used for snorting a line of cocaine for every federal judge McConnell gets approved between now and November.